I have been very inactive on here the last week or two, and I feel I ought to explain why.
As you might know, I left my job doing pensions admin just over a week ago, and started straight away at another company. Unfortunately, I absolutely hated it. It was making me so miserable that I couldn’t do any writing in my own time because all I could do was be a total wreck about the whole thing.
As of today, that’s no longer a problem. They called me in and said they didn’t think it was for me, and I was unable to disagree. So I’m now unemployed, which is a different and even bigger problem. I really wanted to try to stick at this and make the best of it, but the decision’s been made for me.
Part of me is happy that I’m done there, because it was so far from anything I might want to do that I’m relieved to be done with it. Most of me, however, is absolutely fucking terrified that I’ve let down the people who depend on me. It’s really, really not a good feeling. I’m supposed to be saving with my fiancée to buy our first house and I’ve just set that back months, probably, by making a stupid mistake. I really don’t know what to do now. I’m trying to get my old job to take me back, but who knows how long that might take to get sorted?
I’m so worthless it’s not even funny. I’ve ended up in this stupid situation where… well, let’s recap. I took this job just so I could try something new, tried to convince myself I would be able to enjoy it and found that I just couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t quit, though, because I can’t be without a job and an income – not just for me, but for others who depend on me. Quitting would have been so selfish, but the decision’s been made for me and now I’m just stuck here feeling more pathetic than ever because it wasn’t even really my own decision to take control and leave.
Well, on the plus side, I guess I’ll have some free time to write now.